Improving intimacy does not have to mean having more sex, trying something unfamiliar or completing a New Year’s resolution. For adults, a useful goal is connection that feels welcome, safe and comfortable. That might involve affection, conversation, sexual activity or time together without any sexual expectation.
The six ideas below turn a broad resolution into small, flexible choices. They are invitations, not obligations: being single, choosing not to have sex or wanting a different pace does not make you less successful at intimacy.
1. Choose a private goal, not a secret expectation
You do not need to announce an intimate goal publicly. But keeping it private is different from making a plan for a partner without involving them. A shared goal needs a shared conversation.
Try naming what you actually want: more time to talk, less distraction, more comfortable affection or an easier way to discuss preferences. “I’d like us to have an unhurried evening together” is clearer than “Our intimacy needs to improve.” Ask what the other person wants rather than assuming the same answer.
Do not share a partner’s intimate details, photographs or messages with others without their permission. Privacy should protect people’s choices, not prevent someone from seeking trusted support.
2. Put consent ahead of frequency
More frequent sexual activity is not a target everyone needs. A difference in desire is a topic for respectful discussion, not evidence that one person owes the other sex.
RAINN’s consent guidance explains that agreement must be freely given and ongoing. Past sex, flirting, silence or a relationship does not establish consent now. Each person must be able to choose, and can change their mind. Stop if someone pulls away, freezes, seems uncomfortable or is unsure; do not try to persuade them past that response.
Freely given also means that a person is able to decide. Do not continue with someone who is asleep, unconscious or too intoxicated to make that choice.
Ask simply: “Would you like some affection, or would you prefer space?” If the answer is no, respect it without sulking, repeated requests or treating it as a debt. A conversation about different preferences can happen separately, when neither person is being asked to participate.
3. Plan time together without promising an outcome
A calendar can help protect time in a busy week, but an appointment is not consent to sexual activity. Agree on time to connect, with room to change the plan.
For example: “Could we put our phones away for half an hour on Sunday? We could talk, have tea or sit together. Nothing else has to happen.” If either person is tired or not interested, choose another activity or reschedule without punishment.
If you are on your own, you can make time for rest, reflection or whatever private activities you personally choose. There is no requirement to turn self-care into sexual exploration or a performance goal.
4. Make room for comfort instead of demanding confidence
Being told to stop feeling insecure rarely makes a concern disappear. You do not have to feel perfectly confident about your body to ask for privacy, a different pace, a pause or no touch.
Try a specific request: “I’d feel more comfortable if we slowed down,” or “I’m not ready for that, but I’d like to keep talking.” Notice whether your request is respected. Feeling judged or pressured is not something you must overcome to prove that you are a good partner.
If lower desire is worrying you, it is reasonable to speak with a clinician. The NHS explains that low sex drive can have many causes, including stress, relationship difficulties, medicines and health changes. Do not stop or change prescribed medication on your own. A psychic reading cannot identify a medical cause or replace appropriate care.
5. Offer affection without attaching a demand
A kind message, a welcome hug or shared laughter can be meaningful in its own right. They do not need to be steps toward sex. Ask before touch if you are unsure, and avoid intimate messages where the recipient may not want them or where someone else could see them.
For instance: “Would a hug help?” leaves room for a real answer. Giving affection and then expecting sexual activity in return changes an offer of care into pressure. Our guide to consistent care and respect beyond gifts and words explores why everyday behavior matters more than grand gestures.
6. Discuss possibilities, then review one small change
Novelty is optional. You do not have to move beyond familiar choices to win a prize or prove the relationship is exciting. Discuss preferences outside an intimate moment, when there is room to think and decline.
Use three prompts to agree on a manageable next step:
- Welcome: What kind of connection would each of us enjoy?
- Limits: What do we not want, and how will we signal a pause?
- Review: When can we check whether this felt helpful?
A simple example is one phone-free evening, followed by “Did that work for you, or would you prefer something different?” Our guide to turning advice into a flexible next action can help you keep the plan realistic.
Support if saying no feels unsafe
If you feel afraid to decline, or someone uses threats or pressure, prioritize support rather than a shared intimacy goal. In the United States, RAINN offers sexual-assault support at 800-656-4673 and its online hotline. Use a safer device if yours may be monitored. You deserve help without being blamed for what someone else chose to do.
The science behind keeping resolutions is fascinating! Studies show that discussing goals can lead to premature satisfaction, which is counterproductive. It’s interesting how this applies specifically to intimate resolutions. Definitely food for thought!
‘Explore Beyond Your Playbook’—does this mean I should try doing the cha-cha in bed? Just kidding! But really, experimenting can be fun; who knows what you might discover! Maybe my wild dance moves will spice things up!
‘Have More Sex’? Really? What about emotional connection? This article seems superficial by only focusing on quantity over quality. Sex is more than just physical pleasure; it’s about intimacy and trust too, which shouldn’t be overlooked.
‘Have a Noncommittal Schedule’? Sounds suspiciously like giving yourself an out for laziness. Why not prioritize making time for connection instead of treating it like an option? We should strive for more depth in our relationships!
Honestly, I find it hard to believe that simply not sharing your resolutions will lead to better outcomes. This sounds like just another excuse for people to avoid accountability. Shouldn’t we be encouraging each other instead?
I absolutely love this article! It’s refreshing to see such a positive take on resolutions, especially sex-related ones. I think it’s important to focus on self-exploration and pleasure. Cheers to making 2018 the year of great sex!
‘Stop Focusing on Your Imperfections’? Does that mean I can ignore my laundry pile too? If only life were that easy! But seriously, loving yourself sounds nice—let’s just hope my partner agrees with my version of perfection!
‘Foreplay Can Happen at Any Time’—so does that mean I can start flirting while grocery shopping? Because if that’s the case, I’ll be the best shopper out there! Seriously though, spontaneity in intimacy is a brilliant idea.